My Dark Hours...

"Stressed...Confused...Frustrasted...Desperate...Tensed...Relieved!" That's what I could describe those hours...

It was a never, never, never "had-before" experience... Looking back... for about 24 hours, I fell into the deep dark valley, and in the 30 minutes in the black hole, I saw light... and yes, I survived! I survived without throwing in the white towel that was already in my hand, that was ready to leave my hand at any time.

In fact, after the whole saga - have a conclusion to it: When I'm not bought in totally by an idea, when I don't believe in it totally, when I have not grasped the essence of it... I am not confident to deliver! I'm not comfortable to deliver! I can't deliver!!!!! Yes, to do a presentation confidently, it really takes much effort to know the stuff inside out... and of course, also the profile of audience you have! To manage all these... Unfortunately, I think it's an art that's hard to learn.

I was glad... glad of the support I had :D Before going in, HP asked, "I thought you've become more thick-skin already?" I hope I have after weathering through these months here... but unfortunately, my 'skin' takes a much longer time to thicken... Thanks to J who lightened the mood before going in... haha... and of course, PH was counting how many were here... I felt walking into a 'cage' filled with "???!!!!" (hahaha... up to you to imagine). In fact, I think these 'fear' came about when SC was kan-cheong about the presentation - it's like a "it must be a perfect one when presenting before the management!" Oh no. I don't react well to such pressure, unfortunately :( Of course, I understand where she's coming from... true, I understand... believe me! The message and intent are communicated... but to live up to that expectation... it's difficult, though will try hard to move closer to it... however, in fact, unknown and intense pressure kicks in... so much so that I hope I could run away from it... I am almost ready to drop the shell and be blown into pieces... especially when all my hardwork from the early morning were gone! Gone at a press of the button! I was almost shattered!

Knew I was late... similar to last year, when had to present the UK trip - worked through the midnight... for that, I knew I don't have a choice - SS not available and I'm the only one left... ok, prepared and went... Things would turn out fine, in fact, his "加油” message helped :D. This time, when I set off my journey from home. It was different. All morning's effort lost! I've given up... but must show evidence that I've tried... nevermind, switched on the tablet and continued to work... somehow... as the time passed... became more calm... so continue... try again...

Thanks to PH and HP when kept me 'sandwiched' when I was in the room - They served as great cushions, to protect/lower the external impact, and creating that comfort there :D Of course, not forgetting that smile that eventually appear on SC's face before the presentation. Still remember her facial expression when I first entered the room was... I read it as... displeasure! defiance! I thought, "I'm dead!" Yes, to some extent, I think I was... after trying my best to piece the stuff together with her inputs, having struggled through those hours, I don't want anything else to make me change course in the last minute... My heart will not be able to take it... though very much like hear inputs...

Say anything you like, that go-ahead "smile" helped! That reminded me when I sat for the Statistics paper in my final year at NUS. The presence of Dr 'C' in fact calmed the anxiety I had. So, it's strange, isn't it? So, do not undermine that smile :D It's powerful.

The atmosphere was not as threatening as I thought it was... in fact... well, well... it's over... I was relieved! Afterall... I hope it's only a once a year affair... Now, one more thing that arouse my curiosity, really, what's my "adversity" quotient? Has it grown or stretched further? I've not reached the tip yet?