My Dark Hours...

"Stressed...Confused...Frustrasted...Desperate...Tensed...Relieved!" That's what I could describe those hours...

It was a never, never, never "had-before" experience... Looking back... for about 24 hours, I fell into the deep dark valley, and in the 30 minutes in the black hole, I saw light... and yes, I survived! I survived without throwing in the white towel that was already in my hand, that was ready to leave my hand at any time.

In fact, after the whole saga - have a conclusion to it: When I'm not bought in totally by an idea, when I don't believe in it totally, when I have not grasped the essence of it... I am not confident to deliver! I'm not comfortable to deliver! I can't deliver!!!!! Yes, to do a presentation confidently, it really takes much effort to know the stuff inside out... and of course, also the profile of audience you have! To manage all these... Unfortunately, I think it's an art that's hard to learn.

I was glad... glad of the support I had :D Before going in, HP asked, "I thought you've become more thick-skin already?" I hope I have after weathering through these months here... but unfortunately, my 'skin' takes a much longer time to thicken... Thanks to J who lightened the mood before going in... haha... and of course, PH was counting how many were here... I felt walking into a 'cage' filled with "???!!!!" (hahaha... up to you to imagine). In fact, I think these 'fear' came about when SC was kan-cheong about the presentation - it's like a "it must be a perfect one when presenting before the management!" Oh no. I don't react well to such pressure, unfortunately :( Of course, I understand where she's coming from... true, I understand... believe me! The message and intent are communicated... but to live up to that expectation... it's difficult, though will try hard to move closer to it... however, in fact, unknown and intense pressure kicks in... so much so that I hope I could run away from it... I am almost ready to drop the shell and be blown into pieces... especially when all my hardwork from the early morning were gone! Gone at a press of the button! I was almost shattered!

Knew I was late... similar to last year, when had to present the UK trip - worked through the midnight... for that, I knew I don't have a choice - SS not available and I'm the only one left... ok, prepared and went... Things would turn out fine, in fact, his "加油” message helped :D. This time, when I set off my journey from home. It was different. All morning's effort lost! I've given up... but must show evidence that I've tried... nevermind, switched on the tablet and continued to work... somehow... as the time passed... became more calm... so continue... try again...

Thanks to PH and HP when kept me 'sandwiched' when I was in the room - They served as great cushions, to protect/lower the external impact, and creating that comfort there :D Of course, not forgetting that smile that eventually appear on SC's face before the presentation. Still remember her facial expression when I first entered the room was... I read it as... displeasure! defiance! I thought, "I'm dead!" Yes, to some extent, I think I was... after trying my best to piece the stuff together with her inputs, having struggled through those hours, I don't want anything else to make me change course in the last minute... My heart will not be able to take it... though very much like hear inputs...

Say anything you like, that go-ahead "smile" helped! That reminded me when I sat for the Statistics paper in my final year at NUS. The presence of Dr 'C' in fact calmed the anxiety I had. So, it's strange, isn't it? So, do not undermine that smile :D It's powerful.

The atmosphere was not as threatening as I thought it was... in fact... well, well... it's over... I was relieved! Afterall... I hope it's only a once a year affair... Now, one more thing that arouse my curiosity, really, what's my "adversity" quotient? Has it grown or stretched further? I've not reached the tip yet?

Discovery! I can add symbols to my blog!

Hooray! I found a way to insert symbols!
So, it's worth spending the time to browse through the help :D

A useful website: http://rabbit.eng.miami.edu/info/htmlchars.html

Some symbols that will be helpful

• 7 ± 0.2 = 6.8 or 7.2
• 28 ÷ 4 = 7
• $1.25 = 125 ¢
• 3² + 4² = 5²

Hooray, in fact, it's a step closer to using blog for Maths learning!

美芬

是的，那时我中学同学的名字。

同窗两年，是很好的朋友。数数看，那时20 多年前的事吧！
哇！不觉中，我们也有大概15-6 年没见了吧！
可是，有趣的事，偶尔，还是有书信的来往。约莫几年一封吧！但，那也偶尔给彼此带来了一些惊喜。

那早，偶然在地铁上看到貌似她的人。她，在打盹。样子看来顶累的。每嘈醒她，列车开到Raffles Place时，她立刻醒了过来。猜，是她吧！没什么变。还是老样子。短发，鼻梁上，仍然挺着一幅眼镜。可是，没开口，她已匆匆的除了列车。

我，开心吗？我，快乐吗？我，幸福吗？

今天，在回家途中，在巴士上，突然有感而发。。。问自己，我开心吗？然后，又问自己，快乐和开心， 又有什么分别呢？

或许，最近做事不是怎么顺利吧！

当然，首当其冲，莫过是工作方面吧！总感觉，所负责的学校，是个绊脚石。是的，本来不是我的，在“随便”的情况下，在为了“好有一个较有经验的应付一位较难应付的校长”的情况下，接手了这间。。。 无形中，改了跑道。。。现在，真的觉得笨，为什么当时那么“伟大”，去作无畏的牺牲。。。到头来，吃力又不讨好，反过来，在别人的眼中，就是倒霉啦！真的事，“一失铸成千古恨”。。。

间接的，觉得，工作，没有带来满足感。间接的，觉得，工作，没有精神，没了冲进。是一件非常累的事。 到底，要如何在工作上，再次找到快乐呢？我希望，能很快地找到答案。

或许，是心境“老”了吧！或许，是环境改变了？或许，是人事的改变吧？或许，是人，处事的方式改变了吧？更不时地问自己：是我的适应能力弱？是这些改变了我对熟悉的看法，对熟悉的环境开始感到陌生吧！这更让我开始觉得，越来越多约束。当然，离我向往的目标，憧憬，越来越远了吧？

或许，一路来都是自己一厢情愿吧！总忘好的方面想吧。。。总认为，尽力而为，克付出的，也不去斤斤计较得到的回报。问心无愧嘛！从来没想过，他人会疑问，“真的不明白，你到底把时间花在哪里？" 心里十分难受。。。虽是一句简单的疑问。。。而且尝试以不同的方法去淡化它。可是，过不了自己的一关。。。即使是多么的乐观，至今，仍然感到难受。。。失望。。。忙，是为了什么？在别人的眼里，又是什么？我看，最关键的是，信任！可是，我地信任已经开始动摇了。。。渐渐的，会开始问：值得吗？付出的代价等于得到的满足和快感吗？也许，是我该收敛的时候了吧！

何时，能够在那渐渐灰暗的天空里找到曙光？我。。。又开始了寻觅之旅。。。

觉得，最容易答的，莫过是“我，幸福吗？”
答案是肯定的。我很幸福。 幸福，是不用金钱来衡量的。它，是可欲而不可求的。

它，是一种感受。何谓“身在福中不知福”？那就是少了那种感受。
往往，是当我们碰到了所谓的“逆境”，才会渐渐的知觉。。。很可惜，对吗？
曾经，对"幸福" 二字，看得很平面，没什么体会。

可是，自从到了不丹后，知道了，认识到，感觉到，体会到了父母的关心，关怀，担心。我，改观了。我，看东西，也开始带着感觉一起看了。我是身在福中不知福。 我知道了！我会去珍惜它。我也会去作出适当的反应。 有时，父母会埋怨为什么这么晚会。其实，是心疼子女工作辛苦，担心孩子没时间休息。天下父母心嘛！早点回来，至少，他们知道，孩子有好好的吃个晚餐，没饿着了。 至少，当孩子在他们的视线内，他们也较安心。所以，千万不要把它看成唠叨。那 - 是一种幸福！

当然，或许会说，当时独自一个人时，什么时候，都是会比较脆弱吧！ 但，也只有这个时候，才会去感觉到平时感觉不道的。

当然，有朋友，把我们当成朋友，来关心我们。。。那，也是一种幸福。在远方时，收到包裹。心理总是有一种无比的兴奋！也许，他不是平时的好友，朋友。。。可是，他却记得你，记得把一些家乡的温暖寄给你。。。那时可欲而不可求的。 当有难时，有人肯雪中送炭。那，是一种幸福。

也本着这个道理，我也尽自己所能。。。偶尔，也让别人感到“幸福”。。。能给，是福也。。。

老同事，老朋友

今天是“五一”劳动节。
其实，有点confused...， 理因是劳动节，就应该“劳动”，对吗?
可是，偏偏今天就是公共假日。放假。哈哈。。。

对了，差点忘了，今天是不丹的“教师节”也！
待会儿，寄封电邮给他们，让他们惊喜一下。。。其实，还是对他们念念不忘。。。人，总是有感情的‘动物’吧！

还有，今天也收到另一惊喜，　那就是Ｍｒ　Ｌｏｗ的电邮。公布他的ｂｌｏｇ“开张’了。真为他开心。他，真的是展现了“活到老，学到老”的精神！加油！（http://blog.sina.com.cn/u/1289238253）